Is this normal for a Scorpio?! I thought I knew her...

[Melissa M]

So my best friend since childhood moves in with me about a month and a week or so ago. We met when in lock up of all places...we both used to get into a lot of trouble as kids and went through the system (foster care, group homes, lock up facilities) we had similar childhoods and experiences (both our mom's abandoned us at a very young age...and our dad's are very similar). When we met eachother, I was the one who was the 'leader' and Leslie was always a follower...I was alot worse than she was and she never did anything bad alone. Now...Ive changed over the years, I have a full time job and have my own place. I pay all my bills...I dont get into trouble with the law...im not a statistic. I moved into my own house with only a labtop and earned everything else myself gradually...I didnt have any help. The difference between us is I always had to depend on myself...I never had anybody else...and she's always had the priveledge to have her dad be there always bailing her out and paying for everything. Because of this...I dont feel like she can truly appreciate my situation and understand. She just got out of jail again before she moved in with me and still depended on her dad...couldnt keep a job. Her dad couldnt do it anymore...and kicked her out. She had no where else to go. Well...we're both 18 and it just seems I matured alot quicker than she did in almost every aspect. She is very intelligent...and a good person but its like she doesnt want to change...she isnt ready. She doesnt think about her actions before she does them, is very impulsive and does drugs still. I only let her move in with me because we've talked about doing so for a very long time...since we were younger. I keep my word and I really thought it would give her a chance to change and better herself. It would get her out of her old town and enviroment where she couldnt stay out of trouble and I could support her until she got a job, no pressure. I really wanted to help her because I love her and I know what she's capable of if she'd just try. Well she hasnt got a job still (isnt trying) and keeps running up my bills. She lies constantly...and when im at work keeps bringing over random guys I dont know (and she barely does herself) which I dont find out about until I get phone calls at work from my neighbors. She has been stealing from local gas stations...and this is a very small town...not what she's used to...shes always bored and it makes her restless and obnoxious. Ive tried talking to her about how it makes me feel...ive done so much for her and it hurts that she keeps being dishonest to me, going against my wishes in my own house, stealing, being extremely secretive and stays up all night every night when Im trying to sleep because I have to work the next day...being very loud on the phone and my labtop. I cant handle it anymore. I love her so much and I dont have the heart to just kick her out. Im good friends with her family and we go way back...I cant just put her out like that. Every time we talk about it...she acts like she understands and apologizes non stop...but then just turns around and does it again. She doesnt clean up after herself...and wont even help me out around the house. I have to beg her to do so. Lately...its been hard for me to act civilized around her because sometimes I just feel so used and unappreciated and I do soooo much for her. I pay for everything, I support her smoking habit, im there for her if she needs me, whenever she needs me. Its just getting to be too much and I feel like its going to ruin our friendship. I dont know what else to do. I attatched her chart (first one) and mine as well. Is it just that ive changed and things are different now..ive matured and its time to move on? I cant make her change...but I just want her to do good for herself. Shes talking about having kids with one of the guys she is seeing...and shes only 18...she cant even support herself right now. I AM! Some of the things she does sometimes just angers me and upsets me. She just isnt rational and mature about things sometimes...she doesnt think things out. I really feel like she's ruining her life...I just cant sit back and watch it happen. She wont listen to me...she wants to do what she wants to do, when she wants to do it. I dont have kids for a reason...and its starting to feel like I have an over grown child in my house...not the best friend I once had and thought I knew. I dont feel like I can trust her anymore...and she's taking advantage of how much I care about her and want to help her/be there for her. I dont know what to do. Any advice? Im sorry this is so long...I just had to get it out...

[Mary Kae]

You need to lay down the law with her. You're clearly a very good and compassionate person to see her situation and work with her, and I can see why you're looking at it this way - the anonymous sex and random gas-stealing suggest a person who really doesn't like herself, or who doesn't think she deserves more than what she's got. But she can still be expected to treat YOU with respect, and to listen to you when you express a problem.

Sometimes people (not always Scorpios) can't admit how much they owe somebody else. By accepting your room and board she's put herself in debt to you - where the Scorpio part comes in is, we HATE being in that position. Or at least I do, and so do most of the Scorps I know. A healthy Scorpio would react to this by getting a job and working hard to repay what you've given them. An unhealthy Scorpio, which is what you're dealing with, just goes into denial that she owes you anything, and I think her taking advantage of you is a weird expression of that denial. Like, she's "acting" independent to make up for the fact that she doesn't actually have independence.

Regardless, I don't know what she's thinking, but she's not taking care of you the way that you're taking care of her. You have a right to reciprocity in this relationship. Leslie won't change until she's ready to change, and until then you need to protect yourself (emotionally, financially, etc.). You must spell out for her what you need, and attach real consequences to it.

[Melissa M]

I really agree with you...especially about the part about her hating being in this situation. But at the same time...she put herself IN that situation...she can always do something about it but still chooses not to. Right before she moved in with me, the main reason her dad kicked her out was because she stole 3,000 dollars from him. I knew she did it before she moved in...and I still gave her a chance. Ive told her many times...leslie...dont screw me over. I told her that I never had the chance when I was younger, angry and careless to have someone like I am with her now to give me a fair chance, knowing all the crap I did, and still believed in me and helped me. I told her she may not get the chance again and she'll regret it if she messes up this opportunity....and she'll ruin our friendship. When you said... "Like, she's "acting" independent to make up for the fact that she doesn't actually have independence." I hadnt thought of that before...and it really makes sense...I just wish she understood that if she got a job, and did some of the things I try and get her to do she would be alot closer to getting actual independence. Thanks so much for your reply Mary Kae!!! I appreciate it! :-) It was helpful and insightful!!

[Karen]

Melissa, I feel foryou.This is a *very* awkward and painful postion to be n.I agree with everything Mary Kae said too.
I think for one thing, if your friend is still using drugs that's part of the problem.And I agree 100% that she probably is ashamed because you're being kind, and taking care of her, and she doesn't like herself for that, but doesn't know how else to be.She'd probably be happy if she was the one tkaing care of you.Look--you never know what the future will bing, so you don't want to say good bye forever, nor do you want to act out in anger on her.But you *will* do both things if you don't tell her soon.
You know what part of it is too--she and you are no longer kids with adults you're avoiding--you're working etc, and she's now the child--no fun for either of you.
I would not tell her she's acting like a child or anything.Just tell her you can't continue to pay rent and she's not a baby and you know it, so this can't go on--or you will lose your apt., and you'll both be in the street--and make sure she knows that's not where *you* intend to be !
She may get angry, probably will, but that's OK.Tell her you love her anyhow, but that she must find someone who is'nt working like her, and start together--, get welfare (something!) or someone who doesn't stand to lose everything.
But,not with you for right now.
Tell her even you are afraid it will destroy the friendship, if you don't split up for now.
Because believe me, Melissa, if you don't say so now, it will *really* destroy the fridnship, and you too.
I don't know how to help, but I'll send you both loving healthy soothing energy.

[Melissa M]

Hello Karen :-)

I agree...ive been trying so hard lately not to act out in anger, because I know i'll regret it. This is just a very destructive situation for our friendship. And its one of the main reasons ive been so grumpy and angry lately. Its hard to talk to her about it anymore without somehow insulting her...because she can be overly sensitive about things and sometimes just doesnt get where im coming from. I've been looking online for low income housing and about things like that for her...I havent told her quite yet...but I plan on it very soon. Its just not fair that ive shared my house, belongings, personal space and went waaay out of my way for her and get nothing in return. Im thinking about giving her one more week and if she still doesnt have a job or at least start trying to get her crap together, Im going to let her go. Thanks so much for your advice Karen! Helpful as always!!! :-)

[Karen]

You're welocme Melissa.:-)I know--we Libras especially dislike feeling angry.I don't blame you for being angry either. And I don't expect you should never tell her you're angry--life happens and anger is part of it.:-)
But In know oyu do'nt want to go off on her for one reason because you'll regret it later.Second reason is it will be worse for you both...not that the situation doesn't practically beg for going off LOL.I just kbow this old friend of yours doesn't know herself what's she doing--not really anyway.So that's why I'm a little more sympathetic, I know since she's your old freind she must be a good person underneath.
May is correct.She's never *had* to take care of herself, so she doesn't.And no amount of explanation does what experience canl do.
Just hold tight, give her that week, and if no change--she must go--for both your sakes.

[Melissa M]

I agree....I would much rather deal with laziness and her being directionless. Ive tried explaining to her that when she steals, she puts me in danger too and can make me easily loose everything ive worked for. I really dont think she gets it. I dont know whether to blame that on her immaturity or inexperience... because she's never had her own house, a job, or money she earned herself...so she cant really understand all the struggles im going through or the stresses...and how she doesnt help anything sometimes. Im just afraid one days she'll bring a random guy over that might steal or do something to my house...i mean, she doesnt know these guys herself...so anything can happen and I dont feel comfortable AT ALL with strangers knowing where i live and coming in my house. She doesnt understand that one, either. Thanks for your insight Cuspette...much appreciated!!! :-)

[Forum Celebrity]

I'm sorry you had to go through this. But you must realize that she is being enabled. She hasn't helped herself because others are helping her.

She must meet herself. And like Karen said, tell her how you feel even though it will or might destroy the friendship. Have patience and wait for her.

[Natasha]

Happy you did let it out. ;-;

Hope it works out now, for both of you.

My dad's a Scorp, similar to this. @_@ Yes they can be chickens, liars, dependent, impulsive, easily manipulated, make spectacles of themselves, ect., ect. At the the airport... Poor puppy dog. T_T It must be a matter of his dignity. I feel bad that's he so blue, but they're all his choices. He never changes, never learns. Sometimes I'd rather not think of the good word for him, which is dedicated. Because, it's completely overshadowed--buried really. Looking back to when I was 7-8-9...I was mean to him, 'cuz I hated him. ;-; Really, when I was a kid...I can't fathom why I was so arrogant and everything, despite shyness. Da*n. XD And now its inverted and twisted to something else. o_o I don't forget anything, but I don't know what happened that reversed both the show-off and abhorrence. XD Second must've been 'cuz of the end of some ugly habits, else I got used to it? XD Because now I just defend him and such, even though I'm not fond. I hate quick conclusions and dumb insults that are uttered for no reason. I don't know what everyone's problem is. T^T And then making things hard just because? Psh. Of course, I won't protect him if he's done something bad, just like anyone else. @_@

All this makes me feel like I should've said negative Aries things too. XDD Just to vent.... But I'm horrible either way. XD

[Natasha]

Mean, as in brushing off! And now I'm still a board pirate...very lousy...XD

[Karen]

Natasha my girl, you're not at all horrible.You were too young to understand yrs ago.
And I learned something a long way back, an older man told me this creid and cried over how I treated someone in my madness--good people feel guilty.If you were a crumb, you'd not care.
You do care about your Dad--but he, or rather his problems, made it difficult to know what or how to love him.

[Natasha]

Yeah, as a kid it's confusing. XD

[Karen]

exactly honey.I know how it is myself.
The difference is you know now you don't want to be mean.And, btw, you didn't need to be 36 and thinking about your life finally, to think about it either!
That's what matters--you care now..